Chapter 3

It took days, days for Jon to even notice if the sun came up or not. How he ended up alone in a hotel room at 30 was beyond him. He thought he did everything right. Looking around the hotel room he knew he needed to get out so maid could pick up the ½ eaten sandwiches and 20 empty Pepsi cans. Damn his teeth hurt from all the sugar but he just didn’t care.

All he has managed to do this week is cry in his drink or run on the beach. In fact that seemed like something good to do now. He grabbed his Ipod and changed into running shorts and shoes. He hung the please clean me tag on the door as he left.

There really wasn’t much else in his mind as he stretched other than the pain. It was so hard for him. ‘I was never going to get a divorce this fucking sucks’. Jon tuned in to his Jersey Boys playlist and 10th av. Freezeout came on setting a good intro pace he could easily lose his mind to while running. He needed this steady beat to set the pace because his heart had stopped pumping when Dot actually called her lawyer. I’ve been working to hard was next to play which helped Jon keep a steady pace, the feel of the sand hitting under his feet soothed him somehow. The one thing of all this he could control was exercise. He ate like shit, didn’t care how he looked but he liked the burn in his legs after a good run. Southside and Bruce weren’t what most guys would run to but to Jon they represented a time when things were simple and made sense. Finally, after about 30 minutes at an unrelenting pace Jon stopped, not because he was tired, more because he didn’t want to run anymore. Looking out at the ocean he saw what he felt, nothing. There were no signs of life in the ocean which echoed his lack of life inside. It seemed eerily quiet. At least it no longer hurt to breath. It still hurt to smile though, not that he’d be doing that in the near future. “Why Dottie, why” of course no answer came from around him, the only answer he heard came from within, ‘because she could.’

Jon turned around and started running back towards the hotel, as his feet caressed the sand his mind twirled around the different reasons for the end of his marriage. Per his soon to be ex, he just wasn’t there for her. Was he, was he truly available to her when he was on the road or when he came home. Did he exclude her from things in his life? Of course he did, men do that, they don’t go whining to their wives every time something didn’t go right or every time the world seemed a little mean. They just dealt. Why all of a sudden though wasn’t that enough for her? It’s not like he changed the rules, why did she? The hotel came into view on the left but his mind wasn’t at rest yet so he kept running, enjoying the steadiness in the rhythm of his feet in the sand, his need to breathe deeply to endure the pace he was setting actually helped calm his soul. Deep breathing was a great stress reducer he knew that from touring. He welcomed mile after mile of the beach, finally the knots in his stomach and the pain in his heart lessoned.

Finally he realized he still had to get back to the hotel which was a good 4 miles in the other direction, slowing his pace he turned around and started back. Still letting the peace of the ocean settle in his soul he came to realize the only way for him to get over Dot was to get rid of her completely from his life. That meant cut ties completely, emotionally and financially. He had to walk away, it was the only way for his heart to ever feel safe again, as long as he talked with her or saw her he’d yearn for her to regret her choice and ask him back. Finally after a good 3hours running on the beach he managed to get back to his hotel suite and into a hot shower. The scalding water he used couldn’t burn away the rest of the pain but it helped to direct him to push the rest of the pain deep inside to be dealt with another day.